Pi in the Sky

Thank you, Internet

Posted on March 11th, 2008 at 5:52pm by Pi.
Categories: Unimultiverse, Untranslated.

Dear Internet:

Thank you. Thank you for all the things you gave to us, and thank you for all the things you’re still giving to us.

Thank you for freedom of speech. For giving us places where we can express our opinions. Moreover, for having places were the stupidiest tard can express idiotic opinions, trolling boards as if they were their private playground. Thank you for ruining those places with bored fucktards with no life and with the only hobby of stirring up some controversy just because. Oh, and thank you for all those stubborn childs who can never, ever admit that they’re wrong, contradicting themselves in threads with the length of a… Lengthy thread. Thank you for the idiots who can’t read or understand the simple rules of a board, or plainly ignore them. If each post was a buck, only rich would say silly things. Thank you for the huge egos which ruin the fun of hundreds of people just because they can.

Thank you for warez. So we can go to Google and find in seconds thousands of pages with the latest 0-dayz warez, and then spend hours fiddling with porn pop-ups, “vote here” windows, free-porn-sign-up for password checking, protected downloads, slow traffic, and all that, just to discover that all you got is a list of sites which might have the warez, but in fact are only sites with more lists and links. Thank you for still making possible that somehow, miracleously we find the warez, download them, and we go thru 3-nested compressions, password protected, just to find a non-working ISO which ruins four or five CD’s, and a readme which basically states that the group which released this piece of shit thinks it’s their shit and they’re l33t while the rest of the groups aren’t. And thank you for all those hypocrite torrent and eDonkey sites which say that they’re doing nothing illegal. They really make us feel smarter.

And while we’re on the subject, thank you for pop-ups. Thank you for all the ads we’ve been watching for years. Thank you for banners, annoying pop-ups, pop-unders, lengthy bandwidth-eating flash ads, misleading windows, false advertising, and specially thank you for perverting the word “free” in oh so many ways that it has lost all meaning. Thank you for ads which change the window size, which place links in *my* desktop, which asks for installing some shitty plug-in which will destroy any hope of decent surfing.

Oh, and thank you very much for spam. Because I don’t know how can I keep fucking with my partner without trying some \/iagra, Hoodia, penis enlargement or cum longer shit. I don’t know how can I live day by day without Cia11is or Xan ax. I don’t know how can’t I pass opportunities like earning a percent of millions of bisondollars from some african industry ministery, or putting money into yet-another pyramidal, trapezoidal or bicubic-sinurhomboidal system. I don’t know how can I pass not buying expensive software for small prices, or perfect Rolex replicas, or not fucking with the hottest cheating housewives hungry lolitas fistfucking cum spread for you tamales yo quiero taco bell.

Thank you for providing the ideal transport for viruses, worms, trojans, spyware, malware, fuckware, shitware, and you-thought-you-were-protected-but-now-you’re-fucked-up-like-the-rest. Thank you for filling my inbox with the latest half-assed VBscript made with a quarter-brained hacker-wannabe kid which puts all your contacts into some spam list three or four times. And thank you so much for all the nobrainers who don’t protect their computers and compromise the security of all the rest of us, because no matter what we do, they keep the diseases alive and kicking, waiting for us.

Thank you for adhering to standards. Thank you for developing and changing the standards in oh so many twisted ways, so any page maker has to check compatibility with 17 different browsers. Thank you for all those 30-some patches to the email standard which makes impossible to even call it standard anymore. Thank you for bringing us XML which is the final solution of all headaches, and brings its own mess and its gigantic headache.

Thank you for cyber-sex. Didn’t I mention it? Thank you for becoming the largest porn provider of all history. Oh hell, yes, thank you so much. Thank you for bringing us webcams, where losers can deceive girls and then post their private pics and videos (given in trust) everywhere. Thank you for low-cost porn dealers, which just recycle old stuff forever and only give you unlicensed crappy material, or in some cases, spit out some new but crappy material. Thank you for changing the meaning of the word “amateur” so it doesn’t mean amateur anymore, but rather “non-syndicated hooker”. I was going to thank you for changing the word “free”, but I already did earlier. Thank you for the idiots who think that hiring a hooker, setting up a stupid plot, and producing a 60-minutes long boring video of idiotic playing is somehow “sexy”. And special thanks for being the resource of and for all pedophilics and similar scum of the earth.

Thank you for selling things. Thank you for eBay and other places where people can fuck you up and down and then give negative feedback. Thank you for letting us find freebies which end costing us much more than what we thought. Thank you for leaving interesting things to buy that we wouldn’t have found by ourselves, from fuckable pillows and dolphin penis shaped dildos, to complete collections of Kinder eggs surprises. Thank you for Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich, and that Jesus stain, and the Fabulous Rockefeller’s Left Testicle Potatoe. Thank you for no-prescription online pharmacies which give us non-working bootleg meds for unexpensive money. Thank you for scamming us constantly, we have so much money that we just needed another way to waste it.

Thank you for all the freaks too. Thanks for the smart-asses who are willing to write a dozen pages document praising or hating the most banal things, from beetle feces to the whole damn Internet. Thank you for the starwars kid, the Dragostea Nintei yeller, the fucking yeti man personal email. Thank you internet for giving us video proof that the human toiletman eats and drinks other peoples bodily waste materials. Thank you for all the videos of Mr.Ed the horse having sex with men and women. Thank you for Shawna, the Fosters in-her-snatch girl. Thank you tubgirl, and specially for goatse! You’ve made so much to make us visually insensitive, that we can only thank you.

Thank you for all the laws related to you. Because we know that all internet-related laws work so well that they might as well refer to the amount of bubbles in a soda can. Thank you for putting huge fines to spam dealers and then leaving 99% of them free. Thank you for making restrictive laws about adult sites and then making so easy for any kid to watch their moms making an inverted volcano.

Thank you for all the misleading and false information placed all around. Thank you for google bombs, for the assholes placing false facts in Wikipedia. Thank you for those webpages of anorexic princesses sharing their secrets, fanatics trying to brainwash us, terrorists proud of their crimes, nazis sharing the absolute truth and other beauties. Thank you for allowing everyone, everyone to share their shortsighted view of this world. Thank you for offering shelter to the worst side of humanity. Thank you for being a fucking reflection of how ugly we are.

Thank you, Internet. Sincerely, Pi.

p.s.: I know you have many positive things, but sometimes, we don’t notice them that much, you know.

p.p.s.: Someone once said that sarcasm and Internet don’t go well. This is all that I care ^_^

Originally published in some forum around March 2006.

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